It might be just about time to shut ‘er down, folks.

We’ve apparently gotten so addicted to the need for instant information that we can no longer even bring ourselves to wait until a ball crosses the fence to know if a ball thrown by a pitcher and hit by a batter has traveled far enough to result in a home run.

ESPN will debut Doppler radar technology – the same used by military officials tracking missile systems – to create on-screen graphics that will project for fans the instant a ball is hit during the All Star Home Run Derby whether or not it will leave the yard, according to the USA Today.

Now, I’m on record saying the All Star Game itself is a fraud. It’s a popularity contest and an exhibition masquerading as a game people have to care about because the winning league gets to host the World Series.

I don’t recall, however, having put myself on record with my belief that the Home Run Derby is also a sham that jumped the shark about the same time Fonzie did on Happy Days.

Yee hah. Eight guys get together – rarely the eight best power hitters in the game or the four best from either league – and hit glorified batting practice pitches a mile-and-a-half for three rounds and someone gets a trophy …  or is it a car. And if you believe some writers, they may ruin their swings for the second half of the season in so doing.

Thanks, but I’ve got better things to do.

But for those that do watch, is ESPN right? Do you really not have the patience to wait the two to four seconds it takes for the ball to get over the fence before learning whether or not said batter gets to add another point to his tally?

Do you need ESPN to instantly project this for you?

Or the 30 seconds it might have taken to get the exact distance on how far said home run traveled – do you need to know now?

I get text messages, instant messages, emails, tweet announcements constantly throughout the day. I open up news sites on Web pages and find out news minutes – sometimes seconds – after it happens. Enough already. Can we have one slow, relaxing activity that doesn’t need to be subjected to up-to-the-second updates?

I started thinking I was a dinosaur, so I ran this new technological breakthrough past my wife, a devoted non-sports fan, to see if I was wrong. Her response provided vindication. “That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?” she said.

Yes, it is. Baseball. The game is about patience and strategy and sitting in the sun and relaxing with a cocktail – it’s one of the few places in this world left where there is a less constant need for instant gratification. Some people think it’s paced too slowly. That is one thing that keeps me coming back.

ESPN has brought a lot of good advancements to broadcasts since the early days. But some of this stuff is getting out of hand. According to the USA Today story, they’re going to experiment with live post game interviews with players who appear “virtually” in studios for “more intimate conversations” with anchors.

They’ve apparently got plans for an “Innovation Lab” at Disney World that will open in September.

I watch sports in part to escape from the constantly-caffeinated, high-speed, instantly-messaged aspects of life. ESPN apparently wants sports to go the other direction. I choose to ignore this particular “breakthrough.” I probably won’t pay any attention to the derby anyway, but if I do, it’ll either be on the radio or with the sound turned off and my attention distracted as much as possible away from the Doppler data.

Doppler is fine for weather men. And for military leaders it definitely has its place. But the day I can’t wait three seconds to see if a batted ball goes over a fence is the day I’ll have someone take me out behind the barn and put me out of my misery.